Nowhere man – part 1

In the build up to tomorrow’s Grand Prix here is a tale that will warm the hearts of most readers. It tells of the chance given to a regular guy, called Tom Browell, to participate in the celebrity race at the 2002 Australian Grand Prix. It’s a long piece so it’s been split it into two parts. It’s a lot of fun, though and definitely worth reading…

My fifteen minutes of fame begins

I arrived home on Sunday (17th February) to find an unusual message on the answering machine left by “Sherryn from Qantas corporate marketing”. I thought it was just someone doing a survey, but my wife Zoë asked if I had entered any contests. I remembered entering something on the Qantas web page, “To win a MINI, I think?” I called Sherryn back who said, “Do you remember entering a competition on the Qantas web site? You are one of five finalists.” I had to ask, “A finalist in what?” and Sherryn started to explain the prize: fly to Melbourne, participate in the MINI Celebrity Challenge driver training at Sandown raceway and maybe get picked for the celebrity race at the Australian Grand Prix. In any case, I’ll stay the week and go to the Grand Prix with corporate hospitality for two people. All the while, I’m giving Zoë the thumbs-up and she thinks I’ve won a new MINI.

The preparation

A package arrives on Monday evening by courier, which confirms that the whole thing is not some wicked hoax. In it are pages of terms and conditions, prize details and forms to fill in. I fill in the forms, fax them back to Sherryn and follow up with a phone call the next day. Everything was now confirmed. I leave the next Sunday night for Melbourne and will be away for the whole week. In the meantime I load up Grand Prix 3 on my computer (after not having played it for ages) and set to work memorising the Albert Park circuit

And he’s off!

On Sunday (24th February) night I fly down to Melbourne. Zoë and our two kids leave me at the airport. Cool, I get a business class upgrade. I have a bit of trouble with the table and seat controls, but the wine is nice. I catch a taxi to the hotel and check into a fantastic one bedroom apartment suite. There’s an envelope with the next day’s schedule and a few other details waiting for me. I call the organisers to say I’ve arrived; all I need to do is be on the bus at 7:15am tomorrow. I watch TV and try to get to sleep—it’s not easy.

The first day—judgement day

I wake up just before the alarm, my heart already pounding. A shower, bowl of Weet-Bix and a coffee calm me down a bit. I’m ready half an hour early, so I just read and listen to my walkman before heading down to the lobby. Fergus, Chris and Cathy are already there and we introduce ourselves after we all realise that we’re the “finalists”—one “finalist” has pulled out at the last minute. In the bus, there’s polite conversations on the way, but I can tell each of us is really thinking, “Wonder how good these others are”.

At Sandown we find our way to the celebrity race lunch room and change rooms. We’re fitted out with a loan racing suit. The “celebrities” arrive shortly afterwards and we’re all ushered into the classroom.

After the introductions and explanation of procedures, the four of us “finalists” are taken out and put into BMW 325s and the fun begins. Derek Walls and Jenni Thompson are our trainers. The first lesson is on steering technique and I’m surprised that the technique I normally use is completely wrong. We exercise our technique by racing around a slalom course of witches hats.

Now to see who’s the best! To my despair, it isn’t me. After four runs through the course, the times are all very close, but the order is Fergus, Tom, Chris and Cathy, with times between 21.5 and 23 seconds.

Then it’s on to braking. We do several straight line braking exercises and then some braking and steering exercises. Once again it seems Fergus is best, knocking down the fewest witches hats. I feel I’ve learnt a lot already, and since it seems Fergus is going to win the “major prize”, I decide I should make the most out of the rest of the day.

At lunch, I decide to sit with some of the celebrities (might be my only chance, I think), and I chat to Michael Caton and Mike Hammond and a few others. In the afternoon, trainers Peter McKay and Derek take us for laps around the Sandown track. The trainers can talk to us on the radio. I don’t know how many laps we do. It must be around 30. I can’t believe I’m allowed to drive as fast as I can in such a great car, so I give it everything.

Still it seems Fergus is faster, though he’s getting very cocky, tailing the trainer’s car by a few inches and pretending to overtake. I am concentrating on the formula we are given at the start: SMOOTHNESS + ACCURACY = SPEED. I’m sad when we have to return to the pits—the fun has ended.

While our side competition was underway the celebrities are already whizzing around the track in the brand new MINIs. The four of us have to wait for the big decision of who will come back tomorrow. I feel sure it’s between Fergus and me. Because it’s been stressed all day that the fastest will not necessarily win, I still feel hopeful. Sherryn from Qantas arrives (she will hand out the runner-up prize). The trainers are gone for 15 minutes before they come back and usher us into the classroom. Four show bags are sitting on the front table. Shawn Ticehurst from MINI first announces that Chris and Cathy will be “drinking wine and enjoying the race from the sidelines”. Then Sherryn gets up to announce the runner-up; as she does, I catch her eye. Something in the way she looks at me for that split second tells me I’m not the runner-up. Sherryn announces that the runner-up is Fergus!

He is as dark as I am happy—and believe me, I’m bloody happy—overcome with all sorts of feelings. I jump up and thank everyone and shake everyone’s hand. Chris, Cathy and Fergus leave and I’m left behind—now part of the celebrity group.

Day two—and now for the MINI

The next morning I have breakfast with the celebs—they are all very friendly and excited for me. Once at Sandown, I get given my gear (helmet, gloves and shoes as well as MINI t-shirts, a hat or two and a jacket) and get measured for a proper race suit. The celebs do media for about 45 minutes each morning, so I just drink coffee, eat food and chat.

Now that I’m in the race, I think, it doesn’t matter how well I do. That lasts until about lunch, then I’m hooked. The first lesson is on steering technique with another four runs through the slalom course. My left-hand drive MINI doesn’t have my name on it yet, just number 28. After four runs, I’m in the middle of the group in terms of time, and I don’t hit a single witches hat. The MINI is great to drive, very responsive and precise. The next challenge is an oversteer exercise. We make the car (a BMW M5) skid sideways and have correct it and maintain the desired cornering. It’s very difficult, but soooo much fun! The first time I do it the car spins! I master it after about the tenth attempt.

After lunch we do a great braking exercise to learn more about understeer and braking whilst committed to a corner. We approach the corner at full speed (about 110km/h); when we get to the middle of it, the trainer says “brake” on the radio. We have to brake hard to avoid a line of witches hats on the normal exit to the corner and come across to the other side of the track. I get the hang of it after a few goes.

The next lesson is on racing lines. Once again I’m surprised how poor my knowledge is. The line that I think is right (a nice even curve from the outside, to the middle of the inside and back to the outside) is nothing like the correct line. The correct line is to make a much steeper turn from the outside, right at the end of the braking area, as this is when the car is going slowest. Then to accelerate through the corner, straightening out all the way, so that the apex is actually three quarters of the way around and the exit is almost totally straight.

By the end of the afternoon I’m still not 100% happy with my driving—I realise I still have a lot to learn. Back at the hotel, dinner in my room again, more phone calls and another very restless night.

Day three—my very own MINI

The most exciting thing about today is that my MINI has my name on it! Now I really feel like I am one of “them”.

Today’s first lesson is overtaking. The key to overtaking, we are told, lies in the “smoothness and accuracy” of the corners leading onto straights. Obviously, if you catch up to someone, you are faster than them somewhere on the track. So the other key to overtaking is finding out where you are faster than the car in front, and then working out a move at that point. I really enjoy this lesson and when we get out on the track I have some fantastic “races” with Mike Hammond, Michael Caton and Antonio Sabato Jnr. My dad arrives half way through the morning and is thrilled to see me in the racing environment. It’s great to have him here as I have been “alone” for long enough.

The final session is free practice, and my gearbox decides it doesn’t want me in second gear any more. I use the spare car for the rest of the day, but due to the interruption only get a couple of laps in.

After training we go to Albert Park; I’m in Geoff Brabham’s car with Suzie Wilks and Russel Mark. We do several very slow laps (40 km/h) and each have a turn driving while Geoff explains the lines and braking areas. We hop out near the pits to watch the F1 teams setting up. That night I have dinner at some friends’ place. It’s good to get out of the scene for a while and I finally get a good night’s sleep.

Day four—CAMS licence

The morning is slow. We are briefed about the CAMS test and do some revision about flags. My has been repaired and now feels great, better than before—down-shifting is much smoother.

The CAMS license test requires us to race around the circuit and apply all the knowledge we’ve gained during the week, whilst obeying the instructions of the marshals and CAMS officials. Anyone observed to be dangerous or disobedient will be hauled over the coals; the rest of us will pass without any further question. The format of the test is three “mini” races, each about 25 minutes long. It is decided that we will use the part of the circuit that we had used all week, but the “infield” section would be an 80 km/h yellow flag zone (no racing or overtaking).

I’m at the back of the field for the first race (about third-last) and have great time overtaking a few people. We’ve been told to keep our cool and go at 90%, but I think most of us are going 99%. I make up about eight places when they red flag the race (just to make sure we know this means we have to stop). During a drink break, there is much discussion about how fast or how slow people were, who passed who and who ran who off the road.

In the next race I make up more places so I’m sixth on the grid for the final race of the day. In the last race I quickly make it up to third behind Ben Dark and Antonio. I’m able to catch up a bit to the other two, but they are not obeying the 80 km/h speed limit in the infield. I decide to cool it and slow to 80 for each lap, allowing Mike Hammond to catch up. I’m happy to see Ben and Antonio black flagged (out of the race), leaving me in front.

Mike Hammond and I have a great race that day. Ben and Antonio go through a court-room-like saga with CAMS officials and flag marshals called as witnesses. We all get our licenses.

The Official Welcome is at Government House that night. There are hundreds of people but Suzie and Katrina stick with me so I don’t feel left out. There’s yummy finger food and very good red wine – I have quite a lot of both. The Governor does the rounds and I shake his hand; the society photographers are all over the celebs. We only stay for a couple of hours, then back to the hotel. I’m already a bit tipsy, and I haven’t socialised with the celebs all week, so I decide to stay with them in the hotel bar. It’s a great night, with Jon Stevens singing, accompanied by a friend from Noiseworks on guitar and the rest of us drunkenly singing along. I get totally hammered and crash into bed with all the lights on.

Day five—practice at Albert Park

After last night it is fortunate the bus doesn’t leave until 9:30am as I needed time to recover from the night’s excesses. I double-check everything in my bag before I leave today, as getting in and out of Albert Park is huge ordeal.

It’s quite a process to get from the lavish BMW compound to the racetrack. We have a police escort as we drive through the General Admission area to the marshalling area, with hundreds of people lining the route to get a glimpse of the celebs

“Who’s Tom Browell?” I keep hearing.

We have no idea how fast or what gear to go in around this circuit, but I’ve been advised by one of trainers to take each corner in a higher gear first, then try a lower gear next time if that was no good. On the first lap, I take most of the corners in third gear, and all but three of them are bad. Next lap I change down to second, and although I have to change up to third again in the middle of some corners, it’s much quicker. I’m pleasantly surprised how well I know the layout of the circuit from playing the Grand Prix 3 game on my computer.

They have told us that our times for today may count toward the grid position in the case of bad weather during qualifying so I try for one really quick lap. I make at least one error on each lap, however, mostly going too fast into a corner and going off or missing the line. On the last lap I slow down a bit, but made it round error free.

My wife has arrived at the hotel so I’m glad to head back there. When I arrive, Zoë thinks I look great, but also laughs a lot when I walk into the room in my racing suit. We only have about an hour to get ready for the Grand Prix Ball! We get dressed up and head down to the bar for a drink before we go. Geoff Brabham is there with the official times for the practice session. I have the third fastest time, but there’s not much in it. Greg Alexander and Antonio are the two ahead of me. I am really pleased and secretly start praying for rain during qualifying, as this will secure me third on the grid for the race.

After introducing Zoë to everyone and everyone introducing their partners (many had arrived today), we all pile on the bus. We get to the casino via a roped off entry with hundreds of google-eyed onlookers trying to get the celebs’ attention. I didn’t realise how big this Ball was, over 900 people!

Click here to read Part 2…